I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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