Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
