The maid of honor just puked.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I love you.
Bad choice
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