ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
