And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
i think my cat just said my name.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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