Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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