his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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