You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
