the only muscles i have these days is kegels
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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