I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
