I'm so fucking centered right now
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
my liver is dry heaving
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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