Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
