Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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