i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
