the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
