Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
