i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
