My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
