he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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