i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
its liver damage thursday
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
