I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
