6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
