i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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