She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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