Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
