my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Randomize
