Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
