OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
