Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
