too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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