I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
