Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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