i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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