so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
