Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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