This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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