this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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