My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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