Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
