I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
