Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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