on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I think your dad took our porno
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
