I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
