guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
