you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
