cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
