peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
