did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
