I can tuck mytits in my pants
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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