The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
