Little spoons don't ask big questions
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
