she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
