If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
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